Tag Archives: new parenthood

November 3, 2018

 

Iceland Falls

 

A.Z.,

Is it normal to doubt that I am the father of my two little children? Both my three-year-old daughters are very lovely and sweet, but neither one of them look anything like me. To further fuel my suspicions, I was pretty sure I was sterile up until my girlfriend one day informed me she was pregnant—as I can’t tell you how many different girls I did back in the day without using a condom, and not a single one of them ever got pregnant. Yet still my girlfriend got pregnant literally within days of her going off the pill, and then she winds up with freaking twins? It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if she was two-timing me with several different guys all at the same time—all in order to make sure she finally got pregnant. Because wouldn’t that help to explain how she wound up giving birth to twins (which there are zero trace of on either her side of the family or mine). Either way, I keep telling her I want a paternity test and then my girlfriend gets really mad at me, like I’m trying to insult her or something. I just want to know for sure whether or not they are my daughters, so that I don’t have to keep waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from the worst goddamn nightmares I’ve ever had in my life before. More than anything, I don’t want to waste the best years of my life loving (and paying for) two little girls who aren’t really mine. Is this normal for a first-time father, or is there something seriously wrong with me?

—Deeply in Doubt

 

Hi there, Deeply in Doubt.

From what I understand, it is not completely abnormal to doubt whether or not you are the father of your girlfriend’s twins. That being said, don’t you think you are going just a little too far with this? It is one thing to sometimes wonder; it is quite another thing to confront your girlfriend with your suspicions and directly ask her for a paternity test. If you really can’t help it, and you know that never knowing for sure is going to take a toll on your relationship with your girlfriend and your two little daughters, then I suggest you purchase one of the at-home paternity tests you can find very easily online. They are relatively cheap, at approximately $100 a pop, and they are also supposed to be incredibly accurate. The best thing of all is that it takes no more than a saliva swab to determine whether or not you are these girls’ legitimate father. In the meantime, try hard to keep your suspicions to yourself. Not only are you more than likely making yourself out to be a total fool, but the last thing most women enjoy being wrongly accused of is being a two-timing slut—especially so when this is more than likely the mother of your two beautiful daughters.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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October 13, 2018

 

Autumn Road

 

A.Z.,

My wife is pregnant. We have been trying for years. So, needless to say, I can hardly wait to be a first-time father. But here is the thing. Ever since we received the big news, my wife has been both moody and very distant. We hardly ever do anything anymore, and she always seems to be tired. It’s strange, because she was the one who was so adamant that we have children, while I was always very much on the fence. So you would think she would behave just a little bit more excited. It’s almost as if she is now secretly mad at me—when she was the one who kept insisting that we have children! I have tried being extra nice lately . . . offering to cook her dinner, rub her feet, run errands for her, etc. If anything, I have been nothing less than an absolute dream of a husband. And still nothing seems to be doing the trick to snap her out of this funk. Is there something I am doing wrong and/or something that I should be doing better? Please help, as I am almost at my wit’s end of trying to deal with her constant moodiness.

—Future First-Time Father

 

Hi, Future First-Time.

No offense, but you do realize that your wife is PREGNANT, yes? So the fact that she is a bit more tired and/or “moody” is by no means that big of a surprise. It goes without saying that your wife’s body is going through a vast multitude of physical and hormonal changes, while for your body everything is just business as usual. That your wife seems a bit more down and withdrawn is also by no means out of the ordinary. With new parenthood imminent on both your horizons, you both have very big changes in store for you . . . with those changes only all the more real and tangible for your lovely wife, who will actually be giving birth to a new human being. So do try to cut her a little more slack. If anything, I would strive to be an even better husband than you already obviously are. Your wife is now more than just simply the love of your life. She is now nothing less than the mother of your future child.

Congrats, by the way, on the big news! There is nothing quite like new parenthood to put all the previously small, insignificant things into the proper perspective.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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