Tag Archives: marriage issues

July 28, 2018

 

Mystic Island

 

A.Z.,

So here is the deal (and please excuse the length, as I am at my wit’s end of trying to come to a sane way of coming to terms with this). My wife, Kimmy, and I have been married for three years. Everything was just wonderful until we finally moved into our house last summer. The house is in an older, established neighborhood, and we very much believed it would be our dream home. Boy, was I wrong. Not that there is anything wrong with the house, mind you. It’s just that a really attractive guy just so happens to live directly next door to us. Of course our neighbor always has to walk around without his shirt on, so that everyone gets to ogle his big, rippling muscles and see his tattoos. That in all truth wouldn’t even hardly bother me—if it weren’t for the fact I have caught my wife from time to time looking on at our neighbor with a real interested look in her eyes. Worse still, the two of them seem to talk to each other whenever I’m not around, only to awkwardly stop talking the moment I arrive and then swiftly hustle away. To make matters even worse, my wife lost her job a few months ago and this handsome, super muscular guy works from home all day, so that I would have no idea if anything sexual was going on between them.

Needless to say, Kimmy thinks I’m just being jealous. For a while I thought she was right and promised myself not to worry about it. Then, one drunken, bleary Saturday night, just a few weeks ago, my wife and I had a heart-to-heart and she admitted that she had known our neighbor back in her free-roaming college days. Worse still, she had very much had a big crush on him. Kimmy swears that the two of them never had sex back in college, but still, you never know. Even then, she admits to once having harbored deep feelings for this guy who lives right beside us. So what in the hell should suddenly stop her, if our neighbor now decides to make a bold move on her?

In all truth, the worry lately has been making me sick. How am I supposed to concentrate at my job all day when I’m being inundated by near-constant visions of our neighbor going down on Kimmy or pulling her shorts down while she’s watering and doing her doggy-style? A sick image, I know—because I am incessantly being assaulted with it, no matter often I go to my very expensive therapist or Kimmy swears up and down, on the lives of both her parents and even the Holy Bible, that she would never in a million years ever cheat on me. The one solution that I have been able to come up with, short of killing our nice neighbor (which I would never do, considering I’m a good Christian), is to find another house and finally just move. The problem with that plan is that Kimmy still has yet to find a new job, which in turn means we may not meet the minimum income requirements to qualify for a new mortgage. But what motivation does Kimmy have to find a new job, right? At least not when she knows that finding a good-paying job means being in a position to finally move away from this god-awful neighborhood—as well as away from our well-hung, very muscular neighbor.

So that, in a nutshell, describes my present dilemma. If you have any advice to help keep me from going even more crazy, I would very much appreciate it. But, as I long before came to once and for all definitively realize:

—I’m Not Just Being Jealous, So Long as It’s Justified

 

Hi, Not Just Being Jealous.

Wow. You really have worked yourself into a frenzy. It’s a good thing you are seeing a therapist, as I have a strong feeling you are suffering from some pretty severe anxiety issues. Still, that doesn’t mean that you might not be onto something. It is suspicious that your wife and this neighbor talk to each other only when you’re not around, and it is also troubling that Kimmy didn’t tell you she had a history with this guy right from the very beginning. At the same time, I can’t help but see things from Kimmy’s perspective. What if you really are being paranoid, and what if the only reason she kept her past crush on the man and only speaks to him in private is to spare you the jealousy you are still so obviously suffering from? I also wouldn’t be surprised in the least if you purposely got Kimmy drunk on that “drunken, bleary Saturday night” you mentioned—just to finally interrogate her and try to get to the bottom of whether or not there was anything going on between your wife and your neighbor. You wouldn’t be the first jealous guy out there to take a real tacky, manipulative approach like that.

In the end, marriage comes down to trust. Do you trust your wife not to have an affair with your neighbor while you’re at work all day? If not, then you only have three available options: 1) you can move, even if that means going back to an apartment or moving into a house that’s not as nice or as large as your present one; 2) you can get a divorce; or 3) you can have your anxiety medication, which I’m assuming your therapist has already prescribed for you, measurably upped.

You also have a fourth option . . . but let me warn you, this may well be the most challenging option of all. As hard as it may be to fathom, you could always befriend this “well-hung, very muscular” neighbor of yours. Not only will you get to know the guy better (thereby being able to better judge whether there is in fact anything going on between him and your wife), but there are few guys out there who would still be willing to cheat with the wife of a man he considers to be a close friend. For all you know, this neighbor of yours may well be gay—which I can assure you will do a whole hell of a lot to assuage your worries and do away with a good many of your life-debilitating fears. Because until you take the time to actually get to know the guy, how then will you ever know?

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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March 24, 2018

 

Lone Cornfield Tree

 

A.Z.,

Maybe I just have a really overactive imagination, but I’m almost positive my boss of six months is interested in having an affair with me. We work in a customer-service-based environment. Whenever business is slow, my manager almost always begins to flirt with me. She always touches my arm when she speaks with me, and sometimes she even touches my knee. No matter what I say to her, she always laughs and flutters her eyelashes. Although she’s married and has a kid, I don’t know that she’s all that happy. Her husband is a rich prick, for one thing, for whom nothing ever seems to be good enough. She has also confided in me that they almost never have sex.

If my manager is in fact interested in me, should I go for it? The last thing I want is to make things between me and my manager any more awkward, as I plan to continue working there until I’m finally out of graduate school. At the same time, I don’t know that I want to pass up what might be a really great opportunity. Not only is my manager terribly attractive, but she seems to be actually interested. And it’s not like I’ve been having a whole lot of luck in the love department.

—More Than Just a Mere Employee?

 

Hello there, More Than Just a Mere Employee.

Looks like you have found yourself in a real pickle. On the one hand, you seem to like your job and don’t want to lose it. On the other, you don’t want to miss out on a potential romantic opportunity.

Unfortunately, I do believe it will be nearly impossible to take both paths simultaneously. You will therefore have to choose between the two options. If you do decide to pursue a romantic relationship, be warned. Even if it does work out and she is in fact interested in you, things will never again be the same for you. What if you have sex and she then regrets it? Worse still, what if her husband finally gets wind of it? Not only will things between you then be very awkward, but her entire marriage may well fall apart—with you getting the full brunt of the blame for it. I therefore suggest you focus on school and your job for the time being and see where things go. If (and that is a very big if) her marriage does not work out, you could always pursue a relationship with your manager later, AFTER you have graduated from school and no longer work there.

In the meantime, I suggest you try and stop with all the flirting. Although your manager may in fact be flirting with you—if anything, just to pass the time—that does not necessarily mean she wants things to progress to the next level. The last thing either one of you needs is to further complicate what is presumably a very busy, demanding workplace with something as potentially life-altering as an extramarital affair.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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March 10, 2018

 

Mirror Lake Mts

 

A.Z.,

Any advice for a guy getting his wife to take part in a threesome (me with her and another girl, thank you, not her and me with another guy)? I don’t want to cheat, per se, I just think adding another woman to our lovemaking might make it a little more kinky. I know for a fact my wife “experimented” with her fair share of girls back in college, so how come she apparently has no interest in inviting one of her hot, good-looking friends to come join us? I don’t even need to have sex with her friend, although that sure as hell would be a whole lot of fun. I am simply interested in expanding our sexual horizons as a married couple—for the good of our marriage, if anything, as I have in fact found myself growing rather bored.

—Interested in Just a Little More Fun

 

Hello, Interested.

No offense, but I do believe this subject should be debated purely between you and your wife. Either your wife is interested in “expanding your sexual horizons,” or she isn’t. If she is, then lucky you. If she isn’t, I really wouldn’t push it. I also wouldn’t bring up what might or might not have happened between your wife and other women back in college. Everyone goes through phases. If that happens to be an aspect of her life that your wife would rather not revisit, then there you have it. The last thing she needs is for her husband and loyal life partner to bring something up from her past like that—which she more than likely shared with you in good faith—and then use it to try and manipulate her into doing something she obviously isn’t comfortably with.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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February 23, 2018

 

Mountain Creek

 

A.Z.,

Maybe it’s just because we keep on getting older, but my relationship with my wife seems to be currently in the doldrums. We still love each other, but there just seems to be no spark. We get up every morning at the same time, eat our own separate breakfasts, quick kiss, and then head off to work. We then come home from our jobs, eat dinner, and then sit in front of the television, where we either zone out or browse our smartphones until it’s finally time for bed. Maybe once or twice a month we actually have sex. The sex is always missionary, and it is almost always over within a quick couple of minutes. We are both in our mid-forties now and we have no kids. Had I known this was what we were in for, I might have reconsidered having children. As it is, I find myself bored a good part of the time. About the only things that give me real joy anymore are alcohol and the occasional pornography. Don’t get me wrong. I totally love my wife. I just don’t know that having sex once or twice a month is quite enough for me.

In sum, is all of this normal, or is there perhaps something wrong with us?

—Bored Husband

 

Hello, Bored.

If I were the author of one of those other famous advice columns out there, I would probably suggest that you discuss all this with your doctor—after which you can count on your doctor checking your testosterone levels and then screening you for depression. So good thing that I am NOT one of those other mainstream advice columnists. What you are describing is, unfortunately, par for the course in our current day and despicable age. Instead of turning on the pointless television or browsing the Internet on your phones, sit down and actually talk to each other. Discuss your wife’s day with her, and then tell her all about your own day. If that goes nowhere, take your wife’s hands in your own, look her in the eyes, and then ask her to share with you all her innermost dreams. That you are currently bored out of your mind is in no way abnormal, nor should it be in any way surprising. There is so much more to our world than our jobs, and our phones, and our godforsaken high-definition television sets. I honestly do not believe that human beings evolved from once being apes to waste our lives away being slaves to our own technology. Instead of making love to some miserable simulacra of a beautiful woman on your TV or computer screen, try making love—and real, passionate love—to your true-to-life wife. Pour all your alcohol down the drain and remember what it is like to live, and to truly live—free of all limiting poisons and free of all psychological doubts. Take a long walk outside and breathe deeply in, surrounded by the smells and the sounds of vast nature.

No matter what anyone else might ever tell you—be that your doctor, your well-meaning friends, or even some pointless, online advice columnist—it is never too late to regain the good things we have all so foolishly lost. In truth, the only thing stopping you is in fact you.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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