Since you seem to know so much about the male viewpoint, I thought perhaps you wouldn’t mind maybe helping me. I have been dating my current boyfriend for close to three years, two years of which time we have been engaged. This is the third marriage for the both of us, and I am a very proud grandma. At first, all was well with “Theodore.” We seemed to have so much in common. We both liked to go out, and we both liked to be the life of the party. Good as things initially were, there have been their fair share of red flags. For one thing, Theodore can’t seem to hold down a job for more than a few weeks or months at a time. While I am quickly approaching retirement, Theodore has almost nothing by way of savings, and he is already five years older than I am. Again and again, he keeps being fired, and every single time, he believes it all to be the fault of his employer. That he likes to drink so much, and is often hungover, I believe to be a big part of the problem. Whenever I bring this up, Theodore right away becomes defensive. He will yell and sometimes even threaten to hit me. Naturally he always apologizes, but that is only after he has sobered up.
Sad as all that is, I can live with it, if only because I love him so. That being said, there is one area that I just can’t seem to find myself willing to reconcile. Family is extremely important to me. There is simply nothing I wouldn’t do to please my kids and my many grandkids. It has recently come to my attention that none of my three adult children seem to in any way approve of my relationship with Theodore. It doesn’t help that Theodore seems to have no desire to socialize with my children and grandchildren, or in any way interact with them. When they do come over to visit, he goes down to the basement to watch football and make himself cocktails. As soon as they leave, he then comes upstairs, either expecting me to fix dinner or to have sex with him. When he is drunk like that, he expects me to do things that in no way sexually appeal to me. More than once, I have found myself giving in, if anything just to avoid what I know will ultimately wind up being a big fight. Again, I can live with all that—if Theodore could just find it in his heart to actually interact with my family. Like I said, we are engaged to be married, and my family will very soon be one and the same as his family. If he could just stop drinking so much and actually seek out a relationship with my kids and my grandkids, our lives would be almost close to perfect.
So all that, in a nutshell, is why I now find myself writing to you. Is there anything I can do to convince Theodore to put the bottle to the side and interact with my family? Needless to say, I am getting up there in years and do not want to be alone. Any advice and/or suggestions would be very much appreciated!
And you are marrying this Theodore fellow why? It sounds to me like he is little more than an abusive and antisocial drunk. That he is unable to hold down a job due to his drinking, has zero by way of retirement savings, and now apparently seems content to drink his remaining days away in no way makes him an appropriate life mate or partner. I also do not think his hesitancy at building a relationship with your family has anything at all to do with his drinking. He is not an asshole because he drinks; he instead drinks because he is in fact an asshole. Do yourself a favor and cut all ties with him. As reluctant as you are to be alone (which in turn makes me question whether you do in fact actually love him), I assure you that it is a far better thing being alone than it is to be in a toxic, borderline abusive relationship. That your own grown children appear to vehemently dislike him pretty much says everything. And who would you rather have a relationship with—with your grown kids and lovely grandchildren, or an unemployable drunk who bullies you into having sex with him?
Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.
For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.