My husband’s name is Harry. We have been married for over twenty years. Harry is now in his middle forties, and he also has significant issues with ED. I am also in my middle forties. Although Harry is often reluctant to be “intimate” (probably because of his ED, which I do believe he is secretly ashamed of), I almost certainly still have needs (which I take care of the old fashioned way, by using a vibrator). That we only have relations a handful of times a year I can honestly live with, as Harry is an otherwise exemplary husband. Whenever I bring up our lack of sex, Harry almost always grumbles about how his sex drive just isn’t what it used to be. At the exact same time, however, I know that Harry pleasures himself fairly frequently—and that he uses his hidden stash of pornography whenever he does so. Granted, I also am apt to on occasion pleasure myself—but never have I ever required any “outside assistance,” like pornography or the Internet.
So I guess all that, in a nutshell, brings me straight to the heart of my question: Why, if Harry is apparently able to “get it up” several times a week to pleasure himself to pornography, can he not “get it up” to just as frequently pleasure me? Nice as my vibrator is, I miss my husband.
—Tired of Going It Solo
Believe it or not, but the answer to your question is more than just a tad bit complicated. If, in fact, your husband is suffering from ED—and, as you say, he is “secretly ashamed” of it—then it probably isn’t all that surprising that he more often than not resorts to pornography. Men are very visual creatures, and pornography may be one of the few ways in which your husband can guarantee himself the expected results. The pressure of performing adequately for you when you are intimate may also be taking a psychological toll. Needless to say, if Harry is worried he won’t be able to maintain his erection while being intimate with you, then it is almost a certainty that he won’t be able to. That being said, perhaps the reason masturbating to pornography works so well for him is because he is able to do so without the added pressure to pleasure you. I am also assuming that Harry has discussed all this with a qualified medical professional. If not, then please urge Harry to right away do so. Not only will this help to rule out that there is not a more serious underlying cause of his ED (like prostate cancer), but Harry might well be given a means to regain his previous stamina and/or libido.
By the way, not to unnecessarily nitpick, but you using a vibrator to pleasure yourself is the very definition of “outside assistance.” Like the Good Book says, “Judge not, lest you, yourself, be judged.”
Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.
For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.