Author Archives: Anonymous Zaius

About Anonymous Zaius

Otherwise known as Jason Famous, I am the brains behind the advice-for-men website, AnonymousZaius.com.

November 3, 2018

 

Iceland Falls

 

A.Z.,

Is it normal to doubt that I am the father of my two little children? Both my three-year-old daughters are very lovely and sweet, but neither one of them look anything like me. To further fuel my suspicions, I was pretty sure I was sterile up until my girlfriend one day informed me she was pregnant—as I can’t tell you how many different girls I did back in the day without using a condom, and not a single one of them ever got pregnant. Yet still my girlfriend got pregnant literally within days of her going off the pill, and then she winds up with freaking twins? It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if she was two-timing me with several different guys all at the same time—all in order to make sure she finally got pregnant. Because wouldn’t that help to explain how she wound up giving birth to twins (which there are zero trace of on either her side of the family or mine). Either way, I keep telling her I want a paternity test and then my girlfriend gets really mad at me, like I’m trying to insult her or something. I just want to know for sure whether or not they are my daughters, so that I don’t have to keep waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from the worst goddamn nightmares I’ve ever had in my life before. More than anything, I don’t want to waste the best years of my life loving (and paying for) two little girls who aren’t really mine. Is this normal for a first-time father, or is there something seriously wrong with me?

—Deeply in Doubt

 

Hi there, Deeply in Doubt.

From what I understand, it is not completely abnormal to doubt whether or not you are the father of your girlfriend’s twins. That being said, don’t you think you are going just a little too far with this? It is one thing to sometimes wonder; it is quite another thing to confront your girlfriend with your suspicions and directly ask her for a paternity test. If you really can’t help it, and you know that never knowing for sure is going to take a toll on your relationship with your girlfriend and your two little daughters, then I suggest you purchase one of the at-home paternity tests you can find very easily online. They are relatively cheap, at approximately $100 a pop, and they are also supposed to be incredibly accurate. The best thing of all is that it takes no more than a saliva swab to determine whether or not you are these girls’ legitimate father. In the meantime, try hard to keep your suspicions to yourself. Not only are you more than likely making yourself out to be a total fool, but the last thing most women enjoy being wrongly accused of is being a two-timing slut—especially so when this is more than likely the mother of your two beautiful daughters.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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October 13, 2018

 

Autumn Road

 

A.Z.,

My wife is pregnant. We have been trying for years. So, needless to say, I can hardly wait to be a first-time father. But here is the thing. Ever since we received the big news, my wife has been both moody and very distant. We hardly ever do anything anymore, and she always seems to be tired. It’s strange, because she was the one who was so adamant that we have children, while I was always very much on the fence. So you would think she would behave just a little bit more excited. It’s almost as if she is now secretly mad at me—when she was the one who kept insisting that we have children! I have tried being extra nice lately . . . offering to cook her dinner, rub her feet, run errands for her, etc. If anything, I have been nothing less than an absolute dream of a husband. And still nothing seems to be doing the trick to snap her out of this funk. Is there something I am doing wrong and/or something that I should be doing better? Please help, as I am almost at my wit’s end of trying to deal with her constant moodiness.

—Future First-Time Father

 

Hi, Future First-Time.

No offense, but you do realize that your wife is PREGNANT, yes? So the fact that she is a bit more tired and/or “moody” is by no means that big of a surprise. It goes without saying that your wife’s body is going through a vast multitude of physical and hormonal changes, while for your body everything is just business as usual. That your wife seems a bit more down and withdrawn is also by no means out of the ordinary. With new parenthood imminent on both your horizons, you both have very big changes in store for you . . . with those changes only all the more real and tangible for your lovely wife, who will actually be giving birth to a new human being. So do try to cut her a little more slack. If anything, I would strive to be an even better husband than you already obviously are. Your wife is now more than just simply the love of your life. She is now nothing less than the mother of your future child.

Congrats, by the way, on the big news! There is nothing quite like new parenthood to put all the previously small, insignificant things into the proper perspective.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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September 29, 2018

 

Autumn Trees

 

A.Z.,

My husband’s name is Harry. We have been married for over twenty years. Harry is now in his middle forties, and he also has significant issues with ED. I am also in my middle forties. Although Harry is often reluctant to be “intimate” (probably because of his ED, which I do believe he is secretly ashamed of), I almost certainly still have needs (which I take care of the old fashioned way, by using a vibrator). That we only have relations a handful of times a year I can honestly live with, as Harry is an otherwise exemplary husband. Whenever I bring up our lack of sex, Harry almost always grumbles about how his sex drive just isn’t what it used to be. At the exact same time, however, I know that Harry pleasures himself fairly frequently—and that he uses his hidden stash of pornography whenever he does so. Granted, I also am apt to on occasion pleasure myself—but never have I ever required any “outside assistance,” like pornography or the Internet.

So I guess all that, in a nutshell, brings me straight to the heart of my question: Why, if Harry is apparently able to “get it up” several times a week to pleasure himself to pornography, can he not “get it up” to just as frequently pleasure me? Nice as my vibrator is, I miss my husband.

—Tired of Going It Solo

 

Hi, Solo.

Believe it or not, but the answer to your question is more than just a tad bit complicated. If, in fact, your husband is suffering from ED—and, as you say, he is “secretly ashamed” of it—then it probably isn’t all that surprising that he more often than not resorts to pornography. Men are very visual creatures, and pornography may be one of the few ways in which your husband can guarantee himself the expected results. The pressure of performing adequately for you when you are intimate may also be taking a psychological toll. Needless to say, if Harry is worried he won’t be able to maintain his erection while being intimate with you, then it is almost a certainty that he won’t be able to. That being said, perhaps the reason masturbating to pornography works so well for him is because he is able to do so without the added pressure to pleasure you. I am also assuming that Harry has discussed all this with a qualified medical professional. If not, then please urge Harry to right away do so. Not only will this help to rule out that there is not a more serious underlying cause of his ED (like prostate cancer), but Harry might well be given a means to regain his previous stamina and/or libido.

By the way, not to unnecessarily nitpick, but you using a vibrator to pleasure yourself is the very definition of “outside assistance.” Like the Good Book says, “Judge not, lest you, yourself, be judged.”

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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September 9, 2018

 

Sunset Tree

 

A.Z.,

I recently started dating a girl named Susan. She is as close to perfect as a human woman could ever possibly be. More than that, we seem to be compatible in every conceivable way. Ideal as she may be, Susan and I have only very recently come to a place of what appears to be irreconcilable conflict. I actually met Susan through my twin brother, Jimmy, who just so happens to be dating Susan’s twin sister, Caroline. Jimmy and Caroline had both been dating for something like four or five weeks, when Susan and I just so happened to meet each other and very quickly hit it right off. At first we started dating merely as just a lark . . . because how funny would that not suddenly appear to everyone, seeing two identical sets of twins simultaneously dating each other? Before we knew it, however, both Susan and I had fallen very deeply in love—to the total consternation of my twin brother Jimmy. In no uncertain terms, Jimmy has informed me that he finds it in no way funny that both Susan and I are dating at the same time as Jimmy and Caroline are. Jimmy has, in fact, very recently given me nothing less than an ultimatum: that I now must choose between continuing to date Susan and staying friends with my brother.

Needless to say, Jimmy is the closest thing I have ever had to a best friend in the world. At the same time, I would like to see where my relationship with Susan is ultimately going. Although Jimmy seems to feel that Caroline is “the one” for him, and he plans to one day eventually marry her, it is obvious that his relationship with Caroline has been strained for quite some time. That being said, what the hell do I do? Do I dump Susan, who I love with all my heart, just to make my twin brother happy, or do I wait Jimmy and Caroline out, praying and hoping for my girlfriend’s sister to finally dump him?

—Between a Rock and a Hard Place

 

Hi, Hard Place.

I have to say, what a convoluted scenario you have presently found yourself embroiled within. I understand your need to preserve your relationship with your twin brother at all costs, but, in all honesty, a good, caring brother should have never put you in such a difficult place to begin with. As your twin brother’s relationship with your girlfriend’s twin sister (have I finally got that right?) already shows obvious signs of strain, the last thing you should now have to do is jeopardize the relationship you have been fortunate enough to foster with Susan. Difficult as true love can sometimes be to come by in this strange, mysterious, and oftentimes very unfair world of ours, take full and total advantage of it while you still can. You never know, Susan may well be the true one for you. And no one, no matter how powerful or close he or she may be to you, has the right to try and squash that. If it ultimately comes to cost you your relationship with your twin brother, then so very well be it. True friends (not to mention true family) should be present to support and empower you, not dash your most heartfelt dreams to dust.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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August 25, 2018

 

Keeper Cover (300 dpi)

 

Hello, all.

Unfortunately, I have not received enough quality questions to actually post anything. Instead, I figured I might as well plug my inaugural e-book, How to Get a Girl, Then Convince Her You’re a Keeper, which entails a step-by-step, detailed approach to near-guaranteed future dating success. I should know, as these are the very same philosophies and techniques that allowed for me to meet, and then eventually marry, my beautiful wife.

My biggest goal with the release of this e-book—as well as this website—is to prevent other young men out there from making the same dating mistakes that I have. If I can prevent even one young man out there from experiencing the same level of confusion and heartache that I once had to suffer through, then perhaps all of this has been worth it.

Sincerely,

Jason “A.Z.” Famous

 

P.S. Please keep your questions coming in. This site would not exist if it were not for your questions!

 

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August 11, 2018

 

Swamp at Sunset

 

A.Z.,

Call me crazy, but what is it with women playing games these days? One minute a girl starts bitching because you’re trying to be a good gentleman. The next minute, the same damn girl starts freaking out because you’re supposedly “being too forward.” Needless to say, in this day and age the last thing I’m in the mood for is to go to jail or wind up with a multimillion-dollar lawsuit. Better say I to just stick to porn, which, thanks to the otherwise good-for-nothing Internet, now seems to be both of very high quality and nearly free for the taking. And it’s not like I’m the only guy of my generation who thinks the exact same way. So let the girls of the world out there be warned: Be good to us guys, or us guys will every bit of give up on you.

—No More Games for Me

 

Hi, No More Games.

I will admit, you have a very interesting take on male-female relations. Still, I think you will be very heavily missing out if you decide to forego relations with the opposite sex just because one amongst the many millions of girls out there apparently started playing games with you. And I’m not just talking about sex, either. I’m talking about having real, meaningful, one-on-one relationships, where you can open freely of yourself to another, while having your significant other be just as honest and forthcoming with you. Fine as all that nice porn out there might be, in no way does it make up for a fulfilling and intimate human-to-human relationship.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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July 28, 2018

 

Mystic Island

 

A.Z.,

So here is the deal (and please excuse the length, as I am at my wit’s end of trying to come to a sane way of coming to terms with this). My wife, Kimmy, and I have been married for three years. Everything was just wonderful until we finally moved into our house last summer. The house is in an older, established neighborhood, and we very much believed it would be our dream home. Boy, was I wrong. Not that there is anything wrong with the house, mind you. It’s just that a really attractive guy just so happens to live directly next door to us. Of course our neighbor always has to walk around without his shirt on, so that everyone gets to ogle his big, rippling muscles and see his tattoos. That in all truth wouldn’t even hardly bother me—if it weren’t for the fact I have caught my wife from time to time looking on at our neighbor with a real interested look in her eyes. Worse still, the two of them seem to talk to each other whenever I’m not around, only to awkwardly stop talking the moment I arrive and then swiftly hustle away. To make matters even worse, my wife lost her job a few months ago and this handsome, super muscular guy works from home all day, so that I would have no idea if anything sexual was going on between them.

Needless to say, Kimmy thinks I’m just being jealous. For a while I thought she was right and promised myself not to worry about it. Then, one drunken, bleary Saturday night, just a few weeks ago, my wife and I had a heart-to-heart and she admitted that she had known our neighbor back in her free-roaming college days. Worse still, she had very much had a big crush on him. Kimmy swears that the two of them never had sex back in college, but still, you never know. Even then, she admits to once having harbored deep feelings for this guy who lives right beside us. So what in the hell should suddenly stop her, if our neighbor now decides to make a bold move on her?

In all truth, the worry lately has been making me sick. How am I supposed to concentrate at my job all day when I’m being inundated by near-constant visions of our neighbor going down on Kimmy or pulling her shorts down while she’s watering and doing her doggy-style? A sick image, I know—because I am incessantly being assaulted with it, no matter often I go to my very expensive therapist or Kimmy swears up and down, on the lives of both her parents and even the Holy Bible, that she would never in a million years ever cheat on me. The one solution that I have been able to come up with, short of killing our nice neighbor (which I would never do, considering I’m a good Christian), is to find another house and finally just move. The problem with that plan is that Kimmy still has yet to find a new job, which in turn means we may not meet the minimum income requirements to qualify for a new mortgage. But what motivation does Kimmy have to find a new job, right? At least not when she knows that finding a good-paying job means being in a position to finally move away from this god-awful neighborhood—as well as away from our well-hung, very muscular neighbor.

So that, in a nutshell, describes my present dilemma. If you have any advice to help keep me from going even more crazy, I would very much appreciate it. But, as I long before came to once and for all definitively realize:

—I’m Not Just Being Jealous, So Long as It’s Justified

 

Hi, Not Just Being Jealous.

Wow. You really have worked yourself into a frenzy. It’s a good thing you are seeing a therapist, as I have a strong feeling you are suffering from some pretty severe anxiety issues. Still, that doesn’t mean that you might not be onto something. It is suspicious that your wife and this neighbor talk to each other only when you’re not around, and it is also troubling that Kimmy didn’t tell you she had a history with this guy right from the very beginning. At the same time, I can’t help but see things from Kimmy’s perspective. What if you really are being paranoid, and what if the only reason she kept her past crush on the man and only speaks to him in private is to spare you the jealousy you are still so obviously suffering from? I also wouldn’t be surprised in the least if you purposely got Kimmy drunk on that “drunken, bleary Saturday night” you mentioned—just to finally interrogate her and try to get to the bottom of whether or not there was anything going on between your wife and your neighbor. You wouldn’t be the first jealous guy out there to take a real tacky, manipulative approach like that.

In the end, marriage comes down to trust. Do you trust your wife not to have an affair with your neighbor while you’re at work all day? If not, then you only have three available options: 1) you can move, even if that means going back to an apartment or moving into a house that’s not as nice or as large as your present one; 2) you can get a divorce; or 3) you can have your anxiety medication, which I’m assuming your therapist has already prescribed for you, measurably upped.

You also have a fourth option . . . but let me warn you, this may well be the most challenging option of all. As hard as it may be to fathom, you could always befriend this “well-hung, very muscular” neighbor of yours. Not only will you get to know the guy better (thereby being able to better judge whether there is in fact anything going on between him and your wife), but there are few guys out there who would still be willing to cheat with the wife of a man he considers to be a close friend. For all you know, this neighbor of yours may well be gay—which I can assure you will do a whole hell of a lot to assuage your worries and do away with a good many of your life-debilitating fears. Because until you take the time to actually get to know the guy, how then will you ever know?

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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