November 3, 2018

 

Iceland Falls

 

A.Z.,

Is it normal to doubt that I am the father of my two little children? Both my three-year-old daughters are very lovely and sweet, but neither one of them look anything like me. To further fuel my suspicions, I was pretty sure I was sterile up until my girlfriend one day informed me she was pregnant—as I can’t tell you how many different girls I did back in the day without using a condom, and not a single one of them ever got pregnant. Yet still my girlfriend got pregnant literally within days of her going off the pill, and then she winds up with freaking twins? It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if she was two-timing me with several different guys all at the same time—all in order to make sure she finally got pregnant. Because wouldn’t that help to explain how she wound up giving birth to twins (which there are zero trace of on either her side of the family or mine). Either way, I keep telling her I want a paternity test and then my girlfriend gets really mad at me, like I’m trying to insult her or something. I just want to know for sure whether or not they are my daughters, so that I don’t have to keep waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from the worst goddamn nightmares I’ve ever had in my life before. More than anything, I don’t want to waste the best years of my life loving (and paying for) two little girls who aren’t really mine. Is this normal for a first-time father, or is there something seriously wrong with me?

—Deeply in Doubt

 

Hi there, Deeply in Doubt.

From what I understand, it is not completely abnormal to doubt whether or not you are the father of your girlfriend’s twins. That being said, don’t you think you are going just a little too far with this? It is one thing to sometimes wonder; it is quite another thing to confront your girlfriend with your suspicions and directly ask her for a paternity test. If you really can’t help it, and you know that never knowing for sure is going to take a toll on your relationship with your girlfriend and your two little daughters, then I suggest you purchase one of the at-home paternity tests you can find very easily online. They are relatively cheap, at approximately $100 a pop, and they are also supposed to be incredibly accurate. The best thing of all is that it takes no more than a saliva swab to determine whether or not you are these girls’ legitimate father. In the meantime, try hard to keep your suspicions to yourself. Not only are you more than likely making yourself out to be a total fool, but the last thing most women enjoy being wrongly accused of is being a two-timing slut—especially so when this is more than likely the mother of your two beautiful daughters.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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