Monthly Archives: May 2018

May 30, 2018

 

Raging Stream

 

A.Z.,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly ten years. Needless to say, neither one of us are getting any younger. When we first met, we were both still in our early twenties. Now we are swiftly approaching our mid-thirties, and the prospect of marriage has not come up even once. At first, I just thought that Jim, my boyfriend, was waiting for the proper time. Yet here we are, all these many years later, and he still has yet to propose. I have begun to hint around, even suggesting that we go look at rings, but nope, Jim is apparently too dense and thick-headed to get the drift of what I am so obviously trying to imply. My biological clock is also loudly ticking, as I would very much like to have kids before I am forty (and would prefer to be married before finally doing so). What can I do to convince Jim to marry me? It goes without saying that I don’t want to be a pushy girlfriend, but I am honestly at my wits’ end. We live together, split all the expenses equally between us, and even have joint credit card and bank accounts. So why in the hell can’t we just finally be married?

—Looking for More

 

Hi, Looking for More.

The way I see it, you essentially have two options. Either you can come clean to Jim (and very clearly delineate your feelings), or you can leave things as they are. In truth, as you both live together and already have joint credit card and banking accounts, the only thing you are lacking in regards to marriage is a mere piece of government-sanctioned paper. You may also want to look into common-law marriage requirements, depending on what U.S. state you happen to be living in.

Needless to say, it sounds like you very much want your boyfriend to marry you. That being the case, I would immediately talk to Jim about it. True, you may perhaps be putting your relationship at risk, but far better that, don’t you think, than to continue to suffer in silence? Like you, yourself said, neither one of you are getting younger. So the sooner you finally talk to Jim, and get some legitimate answers, so very much the better. At least that way you will finally know.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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May 5, 2018

 

Red Rock Falls

 

A.Z.,

My girlfriend, who may soon be my fiancée (because who knows, right?), just recently moved in with me. We live in a two-bedroom apartment that is equidistant between our two separate workplaces. Our building was in such high demand that we actually had to be put on a waiting list in order to get into it. Now that we are finally living together, I am finding myself tremendously bothered by the fact I am not the first guy she’s ever lived with. She has in fact lived with three other guys before me, with whom she had been in very serious, long-term relationships—and she is only twenty-three!

The strange thing is that none of this bothered me until we finally found ourselves living together. Right away, she started acting all motherly: doing most of the cooking, the dishes, the cleaning, the laundry, all the decorating, etc. As thankful as I am that she is willing to do so much to make our lives so very comfortable, I am bothered by the fact she more than likely behaved the same exact way in regards to the three guys she previously lived with. These same three guys, who in a similar way were once made to feel so very special, eventually found themselves to be purely disposable—as it was in fact my current girlfriend who eventually broke things off with them. Her reasons for doing so also seemed incredibly petty: in two cases because the guys started putting on too much weight (as she is in fact an incredible cook), and in the last case because she found out the guy had one time, very long ago, made out with a male friend of his back in high school. Despite the cold and cruel ways in which she eventually came to dump them, my current girlfriend behaved towards these three guys the exact same way in which she now behaves towards me—doing all the cooking, and the cleaning, and being nothing less than an absolute sex goddess.

In effect, I find myself wondering how special I actually am to her. If she was willing to behave the same way towards three previous guys before me, how now am I supposed to feel in any way special? For all I know, I am just simply a mere stepping stone to the next guy she hopes to eventually shack up with and then play house.

—Hopefully Not Just Another Stepping Stone

 

Hi, Stepping Stone.

On the one hand, I can sort of see where you are coming from. On another, do you have any idea how lucky you are? This woman seems in every way completely perfect. That she was in a serious relationship with three guys before you is what seems to me to be your biggest problem. In this day and age, it is not nearly all that uncommon for two young people to jump the gun and right away move in together—only to ultimately find that they are in no way compatible. For all you know, this is perhaps the very reason your girlfriend’s three previous live-in relationships came to eventually flounder. So far as I can tell, it is your own insecurities (and, might I say, jealousy) that you now have to work on—unless of course you want to jeopardize your current relationship. Just make sure you don’t put on too much weight from your girlfriend’s cooking or have a history of acting on latent homosexual tendencies—in which case you can pretty much consider yourself totally fucked.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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