January 31, 2018


Red Utah Mountains



I hardly even know where to begin. My girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly nine long years. She keeps hinting around about us maybe getting married, but I still find myself having second thoughts. It goes without saying that I love her. It’s just that I’m not sure whether or not I still want to marry her. She’s sort of the bread-winner, and besides, she’s gained quite a bit of weight. Granted, I’ve gained some weight myself. But so too have all the rest of my buddies. And it’s not like getting married isn’t going to cost us anything.

More than anything, I’m just sick and tired of being undecided all the time. I’d even think about maybe hopping on Craigslist and finding someone to cheat with. I know I’d probably enjoy it for sure, but I’d be doing it more to give my current girlfriend a good reason to dump me. But I’m real self-conscious about some of the weight I’ve gained, and the last thing I want to do is wind up getting some kind of disease. I’d definitely for sure use a condom, but still, you never know. And besides, how many of these girls people wind up contacting on Craigslist turn out to be prostitutes? The last thing in the world I’d want to do is wind up getting arrested, with my picture showing up on the front page of the local newspaper. Granted, at least my girlfriend would finally find out about me—but so too would all my friends and my coworkers. I suppose I could try and find a girlfriend in some out of the way town where nobody knows me, but that just seems like too much work—to say nothing of a whole hell of a lot of gas money. But still, I suppose it’s better that than being arrested and having my face show up in the newspaper.

So, what do you say? Should we get married, or should we break up? Like I said, I’m sick and tired of being undecided.

P.S. Thanks for giving guys like us somebody to bounce our ideas off. The only person I can talk to about real psychological stuff like this is my girlfriend—and there’s no way in hell I’d be able to confide in her about this.

—Perpetually Undecided


Hi, Undecided.

So let me get this straight. You’re not sure that you want to get married because your potential wife has gained a little weight—which you, yourself, can also admit to? And what in the world does her being the breadwinner have to do with anything? That you’re even taking the time to ask me this question makes it plainly evident that you most certainly SHOULD NOT get married to your girlfriend . . . only not because she’s not particularly right for you, but because you are not right for her.

I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever heard of anything more self-centered or inconsiderate in my life. You give countless reasons for not wanting to cheat on her: that you’re self-conscious about the weight you’ve gained, that you’re worried about transacting a venereal disease, that you might wind up getting arrested, etc. Well, what about the most important reason of all: That it’s simply NOT RIGHT to sleep around on your significant other? I appreciate the kind words in your postscript, I truly do, but take a quick second to review your words for me. Like you, yourself, freely admit: “The only person [you] can talk to about real psychological stuff like this is [your] girlfriend. . . . ” And this is the way you see fit to repay her, after nearly nine long years of being able to both trust and confide in her—by seriously considering cheating on her?

In the end, the advice I have for you is both clear-cut and amazingly simple: If you don’t want to be with your girlfriend anymore, then tell her. I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if she turns out to be even more relieved than you are.



Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.


Back to Top