September 27, 2017


Scottish Highlands



Howdy there. I do have a bit of a problem here. Fact is that I am completely in love with my nearby neighbor lady. She is freaking gorgeous as hell, and lives with her husband and three kids across the street from me. I have in fact never witnessed a woman who looks finer. She is thin as a rail, with a terribly beautiful face and simply perfect figure. Every time I see her, it feels like my heart is literally going to explode. Not to seem like a real creep, but I’m finding myself continually coming up with a reason to talk to her. Whenever I do talk to her, she seems to really be into me. She always smiles real suggestively, and talks to me whenever I initiate conversation with her. Sometimes I even wonder if she wears certain outfits just because I live across the street from her. She likes to go running, for instance, and always wears real skin-tight outfits whenever she does so. I even transferred my job to the night shift, so that I can watch her nearly all day long (she works part-time at night and is otherwise a housewife). I honestly don’t think her husband treats her all that well. He seems like a real jealous, suspicious sort of guy—especially whenever he sees a harmless guy like me hanging around, talking with his wife. More than anything else, I guess she just doesn’t strike me as being all that happy. Which just goes to make me wonder: Could I perhaps be the one to finally do that for her—to make her as happy as I feel she deserves to be?

The last thing I’d ever like to consider myself to be is a home wrecker—especially with three innocent little kids involved. I would therefore be content to simply watch her from afar, but they now have a “for sale” sign outside their home and seem to be getting things ready to move. Which brings me to my current conundrum. Do I reveal to her my feelings and maybe finally make a move on her, or simply let her go? I do believe she may well be the love of my love, and simply do not want this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pass me by. Please help me. I seem to be dying inside a little bit more with every passing day. Even now as I write this, I’m watching her load up several boxes in the back of her minivan.

—Watcher from Afar


Hi, Watcher.

Where to even begin? For starters, I’m honestly not sure that the so-called “relationship” you have developed with this woman is in any way healthy. It sounds like you spend quite a bit of time every day simply watching her. You went so far as to even transfer your job to the night shift so that you can continue doing this. There is another name for this behavior, my friend. And that other name is in fact stalking. That she wears skin-tight outfits whenever she works out more than likely has nothing at all to do with you. And that she smiles whenever she speaks to you is also more than likely completely beside the point. Has it ever occurred to you that she is simply being neighborly, and that she is simply being polite? Has it also occurred to you that the entire reason she and her family are now moving is because she’s completely creeped out by you? Do not worry about letting this “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity” pass you by. In all honesty, that probably already happened long, long ago, if in fact you ever actually had any “opportunity” with this neighbor woman to begin with—you just have yet to actually realize it. To be clear, in no way should you consider “making a move” on this woman or making your romantic intentions known to her. She is in fact married, with three kids, and you are in every way an intruder. I can absolutely guarantee you, if she was not happily married and was interested in you, she would have already made it plain as day to you (and would probably not now be moving away from you). So again, I repeat to you, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT MAKE A MOVE ON THIS WOMAN!!!

By the way, has it ever occurred to you that the entire reason this woman’s husband seems so “jealous” and “suspicious” of a “harmless” guy like you is because you in fact clearly have designs on his wife? Like I said, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if it is precisely because of your creepy behavior that this family is now moving out of your neighborhood. My advice for you in the future? Try to meet women who are not already attached in the traditional way—by actually approaching them and making your intentions know to them, rather than simply “watching from afar.” Even should you not receive immediate results with this approach, it is far more mentally healthy than engaging in some form of fantasy life with a married mother of three.



Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

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