September 13, 2017

 

Lightning in Monument Valley

 

A.Z.,

Hopefully you can help me out here. My girlfriend of over a year and a half is super-hot. She’s got big boobs and a simply awesome figure, with long legs and everything. At the same time, I can’t help but wonder if she isn’t maybe crazy. She’s intensely jealous, for one thing. Every time I go out to the bar with my buddies, she seems to think I’m cheating on her. She has even followed me from time to time and spied on me—all as a means of ensuring that I’m being faithful. Once, she even went so far as to confront me in the bar in front of all my buddies, and all because she thought I was cheating on her with our waitress. Needless to say, I would never think to cheat on her. In fact, the only thing that is giving me second thoughts about marrying her is how emotionally unstable and jealous she can be. Because, seriously, how crazy would I have to be to cheat on a super-hot babe like that?

Last night when I got home from the bar, my girlfriend started smashing plates against the walls and screaming at me. To add insult to injury, she threw my brand-new laptop into the bathroom shower and turned the water on, completely frying it. Her reasoning was that this would prevent me from “meeting random sluts on the Internet.” Once or twice, I’ve actually found myself worried that she was going to physically strike out and start hitting me. Not that I’m scared of her, mind you, just that I’m scared to death what I might end up doing to her, should she finally lash out and hit me. It’s not like I’ve ever actually hit a girl I was dating, but still, you never know. In the heat of the moment, that could very well happen. And I just don’t know if I could live with myself, if I let something as inexcusably dumb as that happen.

So what do you say, A.Z.? Should I stay with a really hot girl, who just so happens to be equally crazy? Or should I get out now, while I still can, and cut all ties with her? I’d try counseling, or something, but we’re not even married yet.

—Worried Man

 

Hi, Worried Man.

I feel for you, buddy. I really do. On the one hand, you may never again find yourself so lucky to have such a prize find like that. On the other hand, she might very well come to kill you. So it is that you will have to decide for yourself which is the bigger priority: all the awesome sex you are presumably having, or your own personal safety (if not your very life, itself)? Take it from one who knows, dating a crazy girl never, ever ends well—despite how hot she might be. And no matter how hard you try to convince her otherwise, it will be very difficult to steer your girlfriend clear of her psychotically jealous tendencies. I therefore advise you to run, and to run very swiftly. Like a good friend of mine once long ago advised me: far better to be single and alone, than to be in a relationship in which you feel threatened.

 

A.Z.,

I honestly don’t have any advice to ask of you. I’m in a relationship with a really great girl, and I honestly couldn’t be any happier. More than anything, I simply find your advice and the questions that are asked of you to be highly entertaining. I am curious, though, how come you write under the weird name of Anonymous Zaius—when your real name is clearly Jason Famous? So why not JasonFamous.com, then?

—Just Curious

 

Hi, Curious.

I’m happy that you are in a relationship that is in every way satisfying. As to why I write under the names of both Anonymous Zaius and Jason Famous, that is all too easy a question to answer.

When I first set out to create this advice-for-men site, I envisioned it as a place where everyone could feel safe in being rendered fully anonymous—hence the name Anonymous Zaius, which is a play on the words of Anonymous Saith (as in the archaic present tense third-person singular form of the word say, according to the dictionary). And what better name for me to write under, than that very pseudonym? Then, not too long ago, my good friend informed me he was using some of the events and romantic misadventures of my past in his recently released novel, Through the Eyes of an American Foreigner. Not only would a character based on me be featured in this book, but my writer friend actually went so far as to give his main character the name of Jason Famous. It was then that I found myself faced with a true conundrum. Should I write under my real name, Jason Famous, thereby hopefully benefitting from the fame and acclaim of my good friend’s novel? Or should I instead continue to write under the pseudonym of Anonymous Zaius, as I had already previously planned to? I even went so far as to try and convince my friend to change the name of his character to Anonymous Zaius. Needless to say, my good friend refused—as he felt the name of Anonymous Zaius sounded in every way implausible. So it was that I decided to do both: continue writing under the name of Anonymous Zaius, while making it clear to the world that my name is in actuality Jason Famous.

As to why I decided to embark upon an advice-for-men site: Why the hell not, when all the advice columns out there seem to be steered toward and conducted solely by women?

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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