Monthly Archives: September 2017

September 27, 2017


Scottish Highlands



Howdy there. I do have a bit of a problem here. Fact is that I am completely in love with my nearby neighbor lady. She is freaking gorgeous as hell, and lives with her husband and three kids across the street from me. I have in fact never witnessed a woman who looks finer. She is thin as a rail, with a terribly beautiful face and simply perfect figure. Every time I see her, it feels like my heart is literally going to explode. Not to seem like a real creep, but I’m finding myself continually coming up with a reason to talk to her. Whenever I do talk to her, she seems to really be into me. She always smiles real suggestively, and talks to me whenever I initiate conversation with her. Sometimes I even wonder if she wears certain outfits just because I live across the street from her. She likes to go running, for instance, and always wears real skin-tight outfits whenever she does so. I even transferred my job to the night shift, so that I can watch her nearly all day long (she works part-time at night and is otherwise a housewife). I honestly don’t think her husband treats her all that well. He seems like a real jealous, suspicious sort of guy—especially whenever he sees a harmless guy like me hanging around, talking with his wife. More than anything else, I guess she just doesn’t strike me as being all that happy. Which just goes to make me wonder: Could I perhaps be the one to finally do that for her—to make her as happy as I feel she deserves to be?

The last thing I’d ever like to consider myself to be is a home wrecker—especially with three innocent little kids involved. I would therefore be content to simply watch her from afar, but they now have a “for sale” sign outside their home and seem to be getting things ready to move. Which brings me to my current conundrum. Do I reveal to her my feelings and maybe finally make a move on her, or simply let her go? I do believe she may well be the love of my love, and simply do not want this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pass me by. Please help me. I seem to be dying inside a little bit more with every passing day. Even now as I write this, I’m watching her load up several boxes in the back of her minivan.

—Watcher from Afar


Hi, Watcher.

Where to even begin? For starters, I’m honestly not sure that the so-called “relationship” you have developed with this woman is in any way healthy. It sounds like you spend quite a bit of time every day simply watching her. You went so far as to even transfer your job to the night shift so that you can continue doing this. There is another name for this behavior, my friend. And that other name is in fact stalking. That she wears skin-tight outfits whenever she works out more than likely has nothing at all to do with you. And that she smiles whenever she speaks to you is also more than likely completely beside the point. Has it ever occurred to you that she is simply being neighborly, and that she is simply being polite? Has it also occurred to you that the entire reason she and her family are now moving is because she’s completely creeped out by you? Do not worry about letting this “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity” pass you by. In all honesty, that probably already happened long, long ago, if in fact you ever actually had any “opportunity” with this neighbor woman to begin with—you just have yet to actually realize it. To be clear, in no way should you consider “making a move” on this woman or making your romantic intentions known to her. She is in fact married, with three kids, and you are in every way an intruder. I can absolutely guarantee you, if she was not happily married and was interested in you, she would have already made it plain as day to you (and would probably not now be moving away from you). So again, I repeat to you, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT MAKE A MOVE ON THIS WOMAN!!!

By the way, has it ever occurred to you that the entire reason this woman’s husband seems so “jealous” and “suspicious” of a “harmless” guy like you is because you in fact clearly have designs on his wife? Like I said, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if it is precisely because of your creepy behavior that this family is now moving out of your neighborhood. My advice for you in the future? Try to meet women who are not already attached in the traditional way—by actually approaching them and making your intentions know to them, rather than simply “watching from afar.” Even should you not receive immediate results with this approach, it is far more mentally healthy than engaging in some form of fantasy life with a married mother of three.



Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

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September 13, 2017


Lightning in Monument Valley



Hopefully you can help me out here. My girlfriend of over a year and a half is super-hot. She’s got big boobs and a simply awesome figure, with long legs and everything. At the same time, I can’t help but wonder if she isn’t maybe crazy. She’s intensely jealous, for one thing. Every time I go out to the bar with my buddies, she seems to think I’m cheating on her. She has even followed me from time to time and spied on me—all as a means of ensuring that I’m being faithful. Once, she even went so far as to confront me in the bar in front of all my buddies, and all because she thought I was cheating on her with our waitress. Needless to say, I would never think to cheat on her. In fact, the only thing that is giving me second thoughts about marrying her is how emotionally unstable and jealous she can be. Because, seriously, how crazy would I have to be to cheat on a super-hot babe like that?

Last night when I got home from the bar, my girlfriend started smashing plates against the walls and screaming at me. To add insult to injury, she threw my brand-new laptop into the bathroom shower and turned the water on, completely frying it. Her reasoning was that this would prevent me from “meeting random sluts on the Internet.” Once or twice, I’ve actually found myself worried that she was going to physically strike out and start hitting me. Not that I’m scared of her, mind you, just that I’m scared to death what I might end up doing to her, should she finally lash out and hit me. It’s not like I’ve ever actually hit a girl I was dating, but still, you never know. In the heat of the moment, that could very well happen. And I just don’t know if I could live with myself, if I let something as inexcusably dumb as that happen.

So what do you say, A.Z.? Should I stay with a really hot girl, who just so happens to be equally crazy? Or should I get out now, while I still can, and cut all ties with her? I’d try counseling, or something, but we’re not even married yet.

—Worried Man


Hi, Worried Man.

I feel for you, buddy. I really do. On the one hand, you may never again find yourself so lucky to have such a prize find like that. On the other hand, she might very well come to kill you. So it is that you will have to decide for yourself which is the bigger priority: all the awesome sex you are presumably having, or your own personal safety (if not your very life, itself)? Take it from one who knows, dating a crazy girl never, ever ends well—despite how hot she might be. And no matter how hard you try to convince her otherwise, it will be very difficult to steer your girlfriend clear of her psychotically jealous tendencies. I therefore advise you to run, and to run very swiftly. Like a good friend of mine once long ago advised me: far better to be single and alone, than to be in a relationship in which you feel threatened.



I honestly don’t have any advice to ask of you. I’m in a relationship with a really great girl, and I honestly couldn’t be any happier. More than anything, I simply find your advice and the questions that are asked of you to be highly entertaining. I am curious, though, how come you write under the weird name of Anonymous Zaius—when your real name is clearly Jason Famous? So why not, then?

—Just Curious


Hi, Curious.

I’m happy that you are in a relationship that is in every way satisfying. As to why I write under the names of both Anonymous Zaius and Jason Famous, that is all too easy a question to answer.

When I first set out to create this advice-for-men site, I envisioned it as a place where everyone could feel safe in being rendered fully anonymous—hence the name Anonymous Zaius, which is a play on the words of Anonymous Saith (as in the archaic present tense third-person singular form of the word say, according to the dictionary). And what better name for me to write under, than that very pseudonym? Then, not too long ago, my good friend informed me he was using some of the events and romantic misadventures of my past in his recently released novel, Through the Eyes of an American Foreigner. Not only would a character based on me be featured in this book, but my writer friend actually went so far as to give his main character the name of Jason Famous. It was then that I found myself faced with a true conundrum. Should I write under my real name, Jason Famous, thereby hopefully benefitting from the fame and acclaim of my good friend’s novel? Or should I instead continue to write under the pseudonym of Anonymous Zaius, as I had already previously planned to? I even went so far as to try and convince my friend to change the name of his character to Anonymous Zaius. Needless to say, my good friend refused—as he felt the name of Anonymous Zaius sounded in every way implausible. So it was that I decided to do both: continue writing under the name of Anonymous Zaius, while making it clear to the world that my name is in actuality Jason Famous.

As to why I decided to embark upon an advice-for-men site: Why the hell not, when all the advice columns out there seem to be steered toward and conducted solely by women?



Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.


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