August 31, 2017





I love my wife to death. She is beautiful, sexual as all hell, and has a body to literally die for. Great as things are, we do seem to have one significant issue. Although we have sex frequently, and the sex is always mind-blowing, about the only way she seems capable of having an orgasm is by using a vibrator while we are doing it. She still seems to enjoy sex—even without the vibrator—but she never seems to get close to having an actual orgasm without it. Even back when we were first dating, it was the very same thing. Call me crazy, but I always figured that once we’d finally been married, and were no longer “living in sin,” she’d graduate from having to use a vibrator and learn instead to enjoy just me. It is not like I am lacking in the size department, and I know for a fact I was able to give previous girlfriends really gratifying orgasms by means of my hard penis alone.

I guess what I’m trying to ask you is this: Is it normal that my wife requires a vibrator to bring her to orgasm? If not, what can I possibly do to fix this? Needless to say, this is very much giving me self-esteem issues.

—No Half-Mast


Hi, No Half-Mast.

Your wife is very much into sex and wants to have it all the time with you. I honestly don’t see what the problem is. Besides which, every woman is different—so that what works for one woman won’t necessarily work for the next. The important thing is that she is open and trusting enough to let totally loose with you . . . which it most certainly sounds like she is. More than anything else, you should be thankful to have a beautiful woman who enjoys having sex with you—regardless of whatever kind of “assistance” it might require. Not every guy out there is nearly so lucky.



I like the advice you give to other guys. Way better than all that pansy-ass advice you read in the advice columns that are steered only towards women. My question for you, as a fellow man, is this: How come one of my girlfriend’s boobs is way bigger than the other? It’s hardly even noticeable, but still, I have most definitely noticed. Do you think she might be pregnant? Because I’ve heard a woman’s jugs will sometimes get bigger as she approaches her due date. I’ve just never heard of only one of them getting fuller with milk for the baby. Also, I forgot to use a condom a couple weeks ago, so it’s not like the possibility wouldn’t be in any way unthinkable. I’m pretty sure she’s on the pill, but hey, you never know, right?

—Chip off the Old Block


Hi, Chip.

It is perfectly normal for one of your girlfriend’s breasts to be bigger than the other. This is quite common amongst female athletes, where the breast on her dominant side will sometimes be smaller in size, due to all the proliferation of muscle activity (think of a girl serving in tennis or repeatedly spiking a volleyball). In no way should you take this discrepancy in size as a sign of potential pregnancy. If you are concerned that your girlfriend might be pregnant, it is my suggestion that you come straight out and ask her. Also, happy as I am to answer this question for you, doing a simple Google search would have given you the same results (if not what you might have learned back in 9th grade health class).



Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.


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