July 26, 2017





Once upon a time, it seemed like my girlfriend, “Gloria,” wanted very much to marry me. It seemed as if it was all we ever talked about. Although we are now presently engaged, every time I bring up wedding plans, Gloria right away shoots me down. Our sex life has also come to pretty much nothing. For sure, her parents do not appear to be real big fans of the two of us getting married—as she is African American, and I am Caucasian. Which is the weirdest thing of all, because my parents seem to have no problem with it.

I hate to say this, but do you maybe think it’s because my fiancée is African American, and that she’s just not satisfied with my Caucasian-sized penis? Needless to say, pretty much every black man’s penis I’ve ever seen in porno movies is absolutely humongous. So long as we were dating, Gloria seemed to be fine with it. But now that we’re actually engaged—and may well spend the rest of our lives together—her interest in me seems like altogether a completely different story. I can’t for the life of me figure out what else it could be. I shower, and I shave, and I brush my teeth twice a day, so don’t go suggesting I don’t properly groom myself.

—Not Measuring Up


Hi, Not Measuring Up.

To begin with, I doubt very much this recent change in your relationship has anything to do with the size of your penis. Had that been as big a deal as you are currently making it, Gloria probably wouldn’t have been with you for all that long to begin with. More likely, Gloria quite simply has lost her initial sexual interest. Now that you’re engaged, and keep pushing the idea of marriage, she finds herself getting bored with you. This is a red flag for two reasons: 1) because it indicates the foundation for your relationship wasn’t all that strong to begin with, and 2) because it shows she doesn’t value you the same way in which you appear to very much value her (which she should, if she is in any way worth getting married to). Try hard to reignite your passion, in this way reminding Gloria of why it was the two of you came together in the first place. If that doesn’t work for you, you may well want to consider taking a break, thereby reevaluating what the idea of marriage means to the both of you.

In regards to what you were saying about your “Caucasian-sized penis,” there are few ideas I personally find more racist or offensive than the age-old stereotype that black men have overly large penises. It was exactly this kind of faulty logic which was cited by white, racist landowners in the Deep South to justify slavery—in this regard writing their African slaves off as being somehow subhuman—to say nothing of the original slavers who first brought them over from Africa. Also, I wouldn’t be too vocal in the future about using porno movies to justify your opinions when it comes to the physical dissimilarities between the races. Entertaining as they might be, they are not exactly scholarly sources.



Is it normal that my girl never wants to have sex during her “time of the month”? All my other friends seem to have no problem having sex with their girls, so long as they use a fresh towel to clean themselves up afterwards. But no matter how hard I beg, my girl never seems to let me do anything with her when she’s having her period. Sometimes she’ll give me a hand job or go down on me. Good as that feels, sometimes a man just wants to actually insert himself inside of her. My girlfriend seems to think there’s something wrong with me. There’s honestly not—other than the fact I don’t care about her monthly period.

—Hot and Bothered


Hi, Hot and Bothered.

Speaking from experience, you’re really not missing much—unless you like blood and gore and the stink of something really ferocious. More than anything, your girlfriend is probably only trying to look out for you. Besides which, she is more than likely only being self-conscious. Consider yourself lucky she offers you alternate means of satisfying your desires. Many a man would literally kill to date a woman that open to his needs and proactively responsive. Worst case scenario, remind yourself her “time of the month” at the most will only last for a few days. Which, in the grand scheme of things, is hardly worth getting all “hot and bothered” about.


Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.


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