July 17, 2017





I am at my wit’s end trying to date my current girlfriend, Heather. Try as I might to get Heather to commit to me, she still goes out from time to time with other guys. She keeps telling me they are only friends, but I can’t help but suspect otherwise. The other night, Heather didn’t get back to her apartment until something like five in the morning. I’d been texting her all night, without ever getting an answer. I worry about her almost all the time—about whether or not she is okay, about whether or not she might be cheating on me.

Is there anything I can do to maybe salvage our relationship? I love Heather more than I ever thought possible. Please help.



Hi, Flummoxed.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it’s about time that you dump her. Going out with other guys until five in the morning is in no way a good sign of things to come. If she can’t respect you enough to not cheat on you, then it’s time to throw the proverbial towel in. No girl is worth all the terrible anxiety she is apparently putting you through—not even one you believe you “love more than you ever thought possible.”

You deserve better, Billy. You truly do. So rid yourself of all this miserable torture and just finally be done with her. Instead of feeling like you have to check up on her into the wee hours of the morning, focus instead on your own life. I promise you, you will eventually thank yourself.



I’m not sure if this is an appropriate question, but is it weird my girlfriend never gives me oral? Even when I ask her for it, she refuses. It wouldn’t be nearly so aggravating if I wasn’t constantly giving oral to her.



Hi, Flustered.

In truth, that is a very delicate question. On the one hand, you don’t want to be in the unenviable position of pressuring your girlfriend to do something she’s not comfortable with. On the other, it only seems appropriate that you would expect her from time to time reciprocate. For better or worse, you are going to have to sit your girlfriend down and have a much-needed conversation. When all else fails, try honestly communicating your needs to her. If that doesn’t work, then you might well want to rethink dating your current girlfriend if receiving oral from her is so important to you.

Also, it might not hurt to ensure you are properly groomed “down there.” You’d be surprised how spicy things can get once a man’s private areas are appropriately washed and in no way hairy. Just as you would probably balk at going down on her if she wasn’t appropriately groomed, so too should you not be surprised if she happens to balk at going down on you.

P.S. As a wise friend of mine once so very succinctly put it:  “Girls suck . . . except for when you want them to.”



What gives with my wife, already? We’ve been married seven years, and I always seem to be the cruel butt of her jokes. Even when her friends or my relatives come over, she has all of them rolling on the floor laughing at me.

—Not Laughing


Hi, Not Laughing.

Are her jokes funny? Even if they are sometimes at your expense, far better to have a wife who actually has a sense of humor—rather than one who never smiles, and never laughs, and never appears to take legitimate delight in what seems like really anything. Unless, of course, she happens to belittle the size of your manhood. In which case, you may well want to look into penis enlargement.

But naturally I’m only just joking. So calm down and get a sense of humor, already. Life is way too short to waste it being pissed off all the time. If that doesn’t work, then you could always serve your wife a nice, generous dose of her own godawful medicine . . . with a joke about how fat and ugly she is almost certainly doing the trick for you.


Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.


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