Monthly Archives: July 2017

July 26, 2017

 

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A.Z.,

Once upon a time, it seemed like my girlfriend, “Gloria,” wanted very much to marry me. It seemed as if it was all we ever talked about. Although we are now presently engaged, every time I bring up wedding plans, Gloria right away shoots me down. Our sex life has also come to pretty much nothing. For sure, her parents do not appear to be real big fans of the two of us getting married—as she is African American, and I am Caucasian. Which is the weirdest thing of all, because my parents seem to have no problem with it.

I hate to say this, but do you maybe think it’s because my fiancée is African American, and that she’s just not satisfied with my Caucasian-sized penis? Needless to say, pretty much every black man’s penis I’ve ever seen in porno movies is absolutely humongous. So long as we were dating, Gloria seemed to be fine with it. But now that we’re actually engaged—and may well spend the rest of our lives together—her interest in me seems like altogether a completely different story. I can’t for the life of me figure out what else it could be. I shower, and I shave, and I brush my teeth twice a day, so don’t go suggesting I don’t properly groom myself.

—Not Measuring Up

 

Hi, Not Measuring Up.

To begin with, I doubt very much this recent change in your relationship has anything to do with the size of your penis. Had that been as big a deal as you are currently making it, Gloria probably wouldn’t have been with you for all that long to begin with. More likely, Gloria quite simply has lost her initial sexual interest. Now that you’re engaged, and keep pushing the idea of marriage, she finds herself getting bored with you. This is a red flag for two reasons: 1) because it indicates the foundation for your relationship wasn’t all that strong to begin with, and 2) because it shows she doesn’t value you the same way in which you appear to very much value her (which she should, if she is in any way worth getting married to). Try hard to reignite your passion, in this way reminding Gloria of why it was the two of you came together in the first place. If that doesn’t work for you, you may well want to consider taking a break, thereby reevaluating what the idea of marriage means to the both of you.

In regards to what you were saying about your “Caucasian-sized penis,” there are few ideas I personally find more racist or offensive than the age-old stereotype that black men have overly large penises. It was exactly this kind of faulty logic which was cited by white, racist landowners in the Deep South to justify slavery—in this regard writing their African slaves off as being somehow subhuman—to say nothing of the original slavers who first brought them over from Africa. Also, I wouldn’t be too vocal in the future about using porno movies to justify your opinions when it comes to the physical dissimilarities between the races. Entertaining as they might be, they are not exactly scholarly sources.

 

A.Z.,

Is it normal that my girl never wants to have sex during her “time of the month”? All my other friends seem to have no problem having sex with their girls, so long as they use a fresh towel to clean themselves up afterwards. But no matter how hard I beg, my girl never seems to let me do anything with her when she’s having her period. Sometimes she’ll give me a hand job or go down on me. Good as that feels, sometimes a man just wants to actually insert himself inside of her. My girlfriend seems to think there’s something wrong with me. There’s honestly not—other than the fact I don’t care about her monthly period.

—Hot and Bothered

 

Hi, Hot and Bothered.

Speaking from experience, you’re really not missing much—unless you like blood and gore and the stink of something really ferocious. More than anything, your girlfriend is probably only trying to look out for you. Besides which, she is more than likely only being self-conscious. Consider yourself lucky she offers you alternate means of satisfying your desires. Many a man would literally kill to date a woman that open to his needs and proactively responsive. Worst case scenario, remind yourself her “time of the month” at the most will only last for a few days. Which, in the grand scheme of things, is hardly worth getting all “hot and bothered” about.

 


Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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July 17, 2017

 

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A.Z.,

I am at my wit’s end trying to date my current girlfriend, Heather. Try as I might to get Heather to commit to me, she still goes out from time to time with other guys. She keeps telling me they are only friends, but I can’t help but suspect otherwise. The other night, Heather didn’t get back to her apartment until something like five in the morning. I’d been texting her all night, without ever getting an answer. I worry about her almost all the time—about whether or not she is okay, about whether or not she might be cheating on me.

Is there anything I can do to maybe salvage our relationship? I love Heather more than I ever thought possible. Please help.

—Flummoxed

 

Hi, Flummoxed.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it’s about time that you dump her. Going out with other guys until five in the morning is in no way a good sign of things to come. If she can’t respect you enough to not cheat on you, then it’s time to throw the proverbial towel in. No girl is worth all the terrible anxiety she is apparently putting you through—not even one you believe you “love more than you ever thought possible.”

You deserve better, Billy. You truly do. So rid yourself of all this miserable torture and just finally be done with her. Instead of feeling like you have to check up on her into the wee hours of the morning, focus instead on your own life. I promise you, you will eventually thank yourself.

 

A.Z.,

I’m not sure if this is an appropriate question, but is it weird my girlfriend never gives me oral? Even when I ask her for it, she refuses. It wouldn’t be nearly so aggravating if I wasn’t constantly giving oral to her.

—Flustered

 

Hi, Flustered.

In truth, that is a very delicate question. On the one hand, you don’t want to be in the unenviable position of pressuring your girlfriend to do something she’s not comfortable with. On the other, it only seems appropriate that you would expect her from time to time reciprocate. For better or worse, you are going to have to sit your girlfriend down and have a much-needed conversation. When all else fails, try honestly communicating your needs to her. If that doesn’t work, then you might well want to rethink dating your current girlfriend if receiving oral from her is so important to you.

Also, it might not hurt to ensure you are properly groomed “down there.” You’d be surprised how spicy things can get once a man’s private areas are appropriately washed and in no way hairy. Just as you would probably balk at going down on her if she wasn’t appropriately groomed, so too should you not be surprised if she happens to balk at going down on you.

P.S. As a wise friend of mine once so very succinctly put it:  “Girls suck . . . except for when you want them to.”

 

A.Z.,

What gives with my wife, already? We’ve been married seven years, and I always seem to be the cruel butt of her jokes. Even when her friends or my relatives come over, she has all of them rolling on the floor laughing at me.

—Not Laughing

 

Hi, Not Laughing.

Are her jokes funny? Even if they are sometimes at your expense, far better to have a wife who actually has a sense of humor—rather than one who never smiles, and never laughs, and never appears to take legitimate delight in what seems like really anything. Unless, of course, she happens to belittle the size of your manhood. In which case, you may well want to look into penis enlargement.

But naturally I’m only just joking. So calm down and get a sense of humor, already. Life is way too short to waste it being pissed off all the time. If that doesn’t work, then you could always serve your wife a nice, generous dose of her own godawful medicine . . . with a joke about how fat and ugly she is almost certainly doing the trick for you.

 


Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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