August 11, 2018

 

Swamp at Sunset

 

A.Z.,

Call me crazy, but what is it with women playing games these days? One minute a girl starts bitching because you’re trying to be a good gentleman. The next minute, the same damn girl starts freaking out because you’re supposedly “being too forward.” Needless to say, in this day and age the last thing I’m in the mood for is to go to jail or wind up with a multimillion-dollar lawsuit. Better say I to just stick to porn, which, thanks to the otherwise good-for-nothing Internet, now seems to be both of very high quality and nearly free for the taking. And it’s not like I’m the only guy of my generation who thinks the exact same way. So let the girls of the world out there be warned: Be good to us guys, or us guys will every bit of give up on you.

—No More Games for Me

 

Hi, No More Games.

I will admit, you have a very interesting take on male-female relations. Still, I think you will be very heavily missing out if you decide to forego relations with the opposite sex just because one amongst the many millions of girls out there apparently started playing games with you. And I’m not just talking about sex, either. I’m talking about having real, meaningful, one-on-one relationships, where you can open freely of yourself to another, while having your significant other be just as honest and forthcoming with you. Fine as all that nice porn out there might be, in no way does it make up for a fulfilling and intimate human-to-human relationship.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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July 28, 2018

 

Mystic Island

 

A.Z.,

So here is the deal (and please excuse the length, as I am at my wit’s end of trying to come to a sane way of coming to terms with this). My wife, Kimmy, and I have been married for three years. Everything was just wonderful until we finally moved into our house last summer. The house is in an older, established neighborhood, and we very much believed it would be our dream home. Boy, was I wrong. Not that there is anything wrong with the house, mind you. It’s just that a really attractive guy just so happens to live directly next door to us. Of course our neighbor always has to walk around without his shirt on, so that everyone gets to ogle his big, rippling muscles and see his tattoos. That in all truth wouldn’t even hardly bother me—if it weren’t for the fact I have caught my wife from time to time looking on at our neighbor with a real interested look in her eyes. Worse still, the two of them seem to talk to each other whenever I’m not around, only to awkwardly stop talking the moment I arrive and then swiftly hustle away. To make matters even worse, my wife lost her job a few months ago and this handsome, super muscular guy works from home all day, so that I would have no idea if anything sexual was going on between them.

Needless to say, Kimmy thinks I’m just being jealous. For a while I thought she was right and promised myself not to worry about it. Then, one drunken, bleary Saturday night, just a few weeks ago, my wife and I had a heart-to-heart and she admitted that she had known our neighbor back in her free-roaming college days. Worse still, she had very much had a big crush on him. Kimmy swears that the two of them never had sex back in college, but still, you never know. Even then, she admits to once having harbored deep feelings for this guy who lives right beside us. So what in the hell should suddenly stop her, if our neighbor now decides to make a bold move on her?

In all truth, the worry lately has been making me sick. How am I supposed to concentrate at my job all day when I’m being inundated by near-constant visions of our neighbor going down on Kimmy or pulling her shorts down while she’s watering and doing her doggy-style? A sick image, I know—because I am incessantly being assaulted with it, no matter often I go to my very expensive therapist or Kimmy swears up and down, on the lives of both her parents and even the Holy Bible, that she would never in a million years ever cheat on me. The one solution that I have been able to come up with, short of killing our nice neighbor (which I would never do, considering I’m a good Christian), is to find another house and finally just move. The problem with that plan is that Kimmy still has yet to find a new job, which in turn means we may not meet the minimum income requirements to qualify for a new mortgage. But what motivation does Kimmy have to find a new job, right? At least not when she knows that finding a good-paying job means being in a position to finally move away from this god-awful neighborhood—as well as away from our well-hung, very muscular neighbor.

So that, in a nutshell, describes my present dilemma. If you have any advice to help keep me from going even more crazy, I would very much appreciate it. But, as I long before came to once and for all definitively realize:

—I’m Not Just Being Jealous, So Long as It’s Justified

 

Hi, Not Just Being Jealous.

Wow. You really have worked yourself into a frenzy. It’s a good thing you are seeing a therapist, as I have a strong feeling you are suffering from some pretty severe anxiety issues. Still, that doesn’t mean that you might not be onto something. It is suspicious that your wife and this neighbor talk to each other only when you’re not around, and it is also troubling that Kimmy didn’t tell you she had a history with this guy right from the very beginning. At the same time, I can’t help but see things from Kimmy’s perspective. What if you really are being paranoid, and what if the only reason she kept her past crush on the man and only speaks to him in private is to spare you the jealousy you are still so obviously suffering from? I also wouldn’t be surprised in the least if you purposely got Kimmy drunk on that “drunken, bleary Saturday night” you mentioned—just to finally interrogate her and try to get to the bottom of whether or not there was anything going on between your wife and your neighbor. You wouldn’t be the first jealous guy out there to take a real tacky, manipulative approach like that.

In the end, marriage comes down to trust. Do you trust your wife not to have an affair with your neighbor while you’re at work all day? If not, then you only have three available options: 1) you can move, even if that means going back to an apartment or moving into a house that’s not as nice or as large as your present one; 2) you can get a divorce; or 3) you can have your anxiety medication, which I’m assuming your therapist has already prescribed for you, measurably upped.

You also have a fourth option . . . but let me warn you, this may well be the most challenging option of all. As hard as it may be to fathom, you could always befriend this “well-hung, very muscular” neighbor of yours. Not only will you get to know the guy better (thereby being able to better judge whether there is in fact anything going on between him and your wife), but there are few guys out there who would still be willing to cheat with the wife of a man he considers to be a close friend. For all you know, this neighbor of yours may well be gay—which I can assure you will do a whole hell of a lot to assuage your worries and do away with a good many of your life-debilitating fears. Because until you take the time to actually get to know the guy, how then will you ever know?

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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July 14, 2018

 

Rays of Sunlight

 

A.Z.,

My future wife and I currently work at the same local small business. I am a manager, and she is only an entry-level employee. It has recently become clear that we will no longer be able to continue to work together—at least not if we want to pursue our romantic relationship any further. Needless to say, I would never have proposed if I didn’t think the two of us had a bright and very hopeful romantic future. It is precisely right there where the rub comes in. Now that it has become clear one of us has to leave the workplace, my fiancée is very much adamant that it should be me. Because her position is only entry level, it is my fiancée’s reasoning that me leaving (since one of us will have to leave anyway) will inevitably allow for her to move further upwards through the company, which very much strives to promote from within. That being said, it has taken me many years to achieve the level of manager, and there is certainly no guarantee I will be able to find a job in our community that pays nearly so well as the job I currently have. Besides which, I love what I do and I don’t want to leave.

So what do you think? If one of us has to leave the company, shouldn’t it be the one at the bottom end of the totem pole? It goes without saying that my fiancée will be able to find a similarly low-paying entry-level job elsewhere.

—Trying Hard to Not Be Selfish

 

Hi, Trying Hard.

I honestly see very little amiss with your reasoning. Common sense seems to dictate that if one of you has to leave the same company anyway, than it should almost certainly be the one in a lower position—unless of course the higher-up individual does not have plans to stay there much longer. You obviously want very much to stay, and you have also presumably worked very hard to get where you are.

That being said, try not to make too big a point of your fiancée finding “a similarly low-paying entry-level job elsewhere.” Unless of course you want to sound like a big boob and have your fiancée ultimately drop you.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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June 15, 2018

 

Banzai

 

A.Z.,

Kind of an odd question, but so it goes. I recently met a woman named Kim. She was beautiful, well-educated, and had one hell of a very hot body. I asked her out, and we wound up going out on several dates. In every way, she seemed to be completely ideal. The only thing we did not have in common was politics. Then, completely out of the blue, without any warning whatsoever, Kim informed me that she no longer wanted to continue to date. I tried at the very least to talk her into going out with me just one more time, if anything just to definitively say farewell—but nope, she just totally refused. In the aftermath, I found myself completely devastated. So much so that I had to take a couple days off work to gather my thoughts and try to get wind of myself.

So here’s where my question comes in. Is it strange that I needed to take several days off work to try and make some kind of sense of Kim so heartlessly dumping me? As a number of my female coworkers informed me, Kim and I had never even been officially “dating,” as we had only gone out on three trial “dates” and had never even come to share a single kiss. My female coworkers’ behavior seems to imply that I am creepy and/or very clingy as a result of my response to Kim and I going our two separate ways. Any thoughts, or am I in fact as creepy as my female coworkers apparently seem to think I am? Please help, as this is the fifth or sixth woman in a row that I’ve apparently “scared off” by being too clingy.

—Hurt, Lonely, and Confused

 

Hi, Hurt, Lonely, and Confused.

First of all, I’m sorry to hear how devastating that Kim breaking things off apparently was for you. Although she may not have been all that invested in your relationship, you most certainly were. One of the most crucial elements in the beginning stages of a budding relationship is to accurately gauge how fast or slow to initially take things. In my own experience, you are far better served erring on the side of caution and not moving too fast. Worst-case scenario, the object of your affections will in this way be forced into being the one to question how seriously you are invested in the romantic relationship—in this way placing you in a position of relative power. Far better that, don’t you think, than to be considered both clingy and very creepy?

As to you taking time off from work to work things through after the demise of your relationship, to each their own. What is questionable is that you used a woman breaking things off with you (after only three dates) as a legitimate reason to not come into work. Next time try calling in sick. I predict you will find yourself much better served in the future (both at work and in the pursuit of your next potential romantic relationship) by fostering an air of deep mystery.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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May 30, 2018

 

Raging Stream

 

A.Z.,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly ten years. Needless to say, neither one of us are getting any younger. When we first met, we were both still in our early twenties. Now we are swiftly approaching our mid-thirties, and the prospect of marriage has not come up even once. At first, I just thought that Jim, my boyfriend, was waiting for the proper time. Yet here we are, all these many years later, and he still has yet to propose. I have begun to hint around, even suggesting that we go look at rings, but nope, Jim is apparently too dense and thick-headed to get the drift of what I am so obviously trying to imply. My biological clock is also loudly ticking, as I would very much like to have kids before I am forty (and would prefer to be married before finally doing so). What can I do to convince Jim to marry me? It goes without saying that I don’t want to be a pushy girlfriend, but I am honestly at my wits’ end. We live together, split all the expenses equally between us, and even have joint credit card and bank accounts. So why in the hell can’t we just finally be married?

—Looking for More

 

Hi, Looking for More.

The way I see it, you essentially have two options. Either you can come clean to Jim (and very clearly delineate your feelings), or you can leave things as they are. In truth, as you both live together and already have joint credit card and banking accounts, the only thing you are lacking in regards to marriage is a mere piece of government-sanctioned paper. You may also want to look into common-law marriage requirements, depending on what U.S. state you happen to be living in.

Needless to say, it sounds like you very much want your boyfriend to marry you. That being the case, I would immediately talk to Jim about it. True, you may perhaps be putting your relationship at risk, but far better that, don’t you think, than to continue to suffer in silence? Like you, yourself said, neither one of you are getting younger. So the sooner you finally talk to Jim, and get some legitimate answers, so very much the better. At least that way you will finally know.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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May 5, 2018

 

Red Rock Falls

 

A.Z.,

My girlfriend, who may soon be my fiancée (because who knows, right?), just recently moved in with me. We live in a two-bedroom apartment that is equidistant between our two separate workplaces. Our building was in such high demand that we actually had to be put on a waiting list in order to get into it. Now that we are finally living together, I am finding myself tremendously bothered by the fact I am not the first guy she’s ever lived with. She has in fact lived with three other guys before me, with whom she had been in very serious, long-term relationships—and she is only twenty-three!

The strange thing is that none of this bothered me until we finally found ourselves living together. Right away, she started acting all motherly: doing most of the cooking, the dishes, the cleaning, the laundry, all the decorating, etc. As thankful as I am that she is willing to do so much to make our lives so very comfortable, I am bothered by the fact she more than likely behaved the same exact way in regards to the three guys she previously lived with. These same three guys, who in a similar way were once made to feel so very special, eventually found themselves to be purely disposable—as it was in fact my current girlfriend who eventually broke things off with them. Her reasons for doing so also seemed incredibly petty: in two cases because the guys started putting on too much weight (as she is in fact an incredible cook), and in the last case because she found out the guy had one time, very long ago, made out with a male friend of his back in high school. Despite the cold and cruel ways in which she eventually came to dump them, my current girlfriend behaved towards these three guys the exact same way in which she now behaves towards me—doing all the cooking, and the cleaning, and being nothing less than an absolute sex goddess.

In effect, I find myself wondering how special I actually am to her. If she was willing to behave the same way towards three previous guys before me, how now am I supposed to feel in any way special? For all I know, I am just simply a mere stepping stone to the next guy she hopes to eventually shack up with and then play house.

—Hopefully Not Just Another Stepping Stone

 

Hi, Stepping Stone.

On the one hand, I can sort of see where you are coming from. On another, do you have any idea how lucky you are? This woman seems in every way completely perfect. That she was in a serious relationship with three guys before you is what seems to me to be your biggest problem. In this day and age, it is not nearly all that uncommon for two young people to jump the gun and right away move in together—only to ultimately find that they are in no way compatible. For all you know, this is perhaps the very reason your girlfriend’s three previous live-in relationships came to eventually flounder. So far as I can tell, it is your own insecurities (and, might I say, jealousy) that you now have to work on—unless of course you want to jeopardize your current relationship. Just make sure you don’t put on too much weight from your girlfriend’s cooking or have a history of acting on latent homosexual tendencies—in which case you can pretty much consider yourself totally fucked.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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April 21, 2018

 

Green Sunset

 

A.Z.,

Compared to other people’s relationship issues, this may well be nothing. Still, I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. From the beginning of my relationship with my girlfriend Mindy, she has continually questioned my faithfulness. Every time I stop at a store after work or go out with my buddies, I have to keep Mindy apprised of my whereabouts. Several times now she has even “spontaneously” shown up at the places I told her I was, as if to check up on me.

Needless to say, I would never in a million years ever think to cheat on her, as I am in fact completely in love with her. The only downside to continuing to date her is of course her constant paranoia. Worse still, I recently learned that Mindy had her sister, who is a state social worker, look into my past history when we first started dating. In a way, I feel like this was a complete betrayal of trust on Mindy’s part—and this, at the very beginning of our rapidly burgeoning relationship. If only I would have known then how little she apparently trusts me, who knows if we would even still be together?

—So Tired of Her Constant Paranoia

 

Hi, So Tired.

From what I can tell, it sounds like your relationship is perfectly adequate otherwise. You are completely in love with her, and I’m assuming she is also very much in love you. (Perhaps too much in love, as she also appears to have the need to perpetually control you.) That being said, having one’s integrity being questioned certainly can’t be any fun. What I would suggest is that you sit her down and talk to her, telling Mindy how much her paranoia bothers you, and, just like you said, that you would never in a million years ever think to cheat on her. If that is not enough for her, you may well have to look into relationship counseling (which I honestly hate to suggest, seeing as how the two of you are only just DATING), as there may be some underlying medical condition causing her to be paranoid.

In regards to having Mindy’s sister look into your background before dating you, what else can we all possibly expect? Things have very much changed for all of us with the omnipresent Internet, and we have far more information at our fingertips than is now probably good for us. For your own mental wellbeing, I would forget about the fact her sister researched you, and instead focus on the here and now. As digitized as our society has now become, it is my prediction researching one’s potential romantic partner online will soon be nothing less than an assumed, automatic process.

 


 

Feel free to contact Anonymous Zaius and ask him dating/relationship questions at AnonymousZaius@gmail.com.

For the record, Anonymous Zaius (AKA Jason Famous) is not, nor has he ever been, a licensed counselor or psychologist. What advice he has to give was acquired the old-fashioned way, through the dual schools of both hard knocks and his own personal dating experience. It thus goes without saying the above dating advice is to be used for purposes of entertainment only.

 

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